Finding Comfort in a Hospital Room — How Covid Changed Me
18th July 2021
Last month I joined nearly 200 million people around the world that tested positive for COVID-19. It was the first time in years that I got seriously sick, and let me tell you it’s not “just a regular flu”, but that’s not what this story is about. I’m pretty sure you already had enough with all of the horror news that is spreading around media. I wrote this because the whole experience had a peculiar effect on my perspective toward my way of living and I wanted to share that.
This started when I came out of the hospital. For 14 days, I wasn’t allowed to step my foot out of the room, and with needles in my body, it’s difficult to move anyway. But somehow, somewhere part of me felt reluctant to go. That small hospital room may already become my weirdest comfort zone. No, it’s not because I like hospitals, yet when I was there, it’s like I have a ticket to press pause on life. A pause from all of the pressure and expectation from others, but most importantly, my own.
Being in the tech workplace for so long has shaped me to become optimistic, fast-paced, and hungry for growth. So far these traits have helped me to navigate my career and make the right choices in life, however after what happened, I found some flaw that I have never realized before. Don’t worry, I’m not going to quit my job and move to the mountains, this experience has opened my eyes to a balanced lifestyle so that I can sustain myself far in the future. This comes to the three points I want to share.
1. Letting go is the best way to take control
It’s human nature to want to have more control. Especially in a murky situation, I’ll always find a way to get more control because it gave me a sense of security. The problem is, the more I have control, the more I expect a good outcome, and you know what comes next, the higher the expectation, the more disappointed I am when the result came out poor. In my first 5 days of the infection, I tried my best to take control of the disease. I ate healthy foods, consumed necessary medicine, and rested a lot; hoping I’ll get better in a nick of time, yet my body kept deteriorating day by day. This let me down and affected my mental health as well.
On the 6th day, I gave up my expectations, and learn to let go. Being able to let go some of the control helped me calm down and respond to the situation better, although in reality it hasn’t changed much. I learned that in most cases in life I wouldn’t be able to have the majority of the control, and only by letting go some of it, I can take better control of myself.
2. The world kept spinning with or without me
This is a pretty obvious point, but when you‘ve been so busy for so long you’ll start to feel a sense of self-importance. At least I did. My first thought after I tested positive was about the continuation of my projects and works. I thought when I stop, things will fall apart and I will let down a lot of people. In retrospect, the cause of me stressing out was not actually about the success of the project nor about letting people down, well some are, but I think it’s mostly because of my ego. I have prioritized work so much in my life, what am I without it?
Turns out it all came out fine, and surprisingly, some people stepped up and did the work amazingly. My absence became a land of opportunities for others, and I feel good about it. I learned that it’s okay to hit the break sometimes, yes, I want to be someone important, but no one person is so significant that the world will stop spinning without him/her (maybe except Jesus), so take it easy bru.
3. Time is not the hottest commodity
Like every working people out there, I always feel like 24 hours in a day is just not enough. I was and still am crazy for productivity. I tried every trick and I can find to make my life more efficient and squeeze more time out of a day. So it’s funny when I lay there in the hospital bed, I have all the time in the world and I didn’t know what to do with it. Eventually, all I did was either watch movies or play games, wishing it pass by quickly, it’s like I was afraid of more time.
In a world that glorifies time management and productivity, turns out having more time does not solve the problem, at least for me. It’s much more important to have the right state of mind, a healthy body, and a noble vision (or worthy cause as Simon Sinek put it) that complements time. Sometimes when you feel you need more time, it’s good to first introspect what have you done with it, and what for?
All in all, getting infected by COVID is definitely not a pleasant experience, and I am grateful that I have the support of my family and friends during these most difficult times. Hopefully, my reflections resonate with your struggles and can help you get through them stronger. We’re all in this together, stay safe!
