Hello World — Rediscovering My Voice
Jakarta is oddly cold and rainy; the sky can’t seem to make up its mind between blue and grey; in the blink of an eye, it’s February 2022. I hope you haven’t given up yet on those New Year resolutions, just kidding, do take it easy, I haven’t even done one myself. It’s been a while since I posted anything much online, and just to be clear, it’s not like my life wasn’t exciting these past few months, or maybe it wasn’t. Okay, the jokes stop here. I want to start the year by sharing the story of how I lost touch with my own voice.
If you know me, I was and still am a 110% extrovert. I’m like a social leech that sucks the energy out of gatherings and events. But thanks to the pandemic, for much of my 2021 I almost never met anyone in-person except my family. There’s a saying in Bahasa “sudah jatuh tertimpa tangga”, which describes misery perfectly. As if physical distancing is not bad enough, I also pulled back from most of the social media platforms, which was like the last few drops of water in my extroverted well. With that, I lost a lot of meaningful connections with friends, colleagues, partners, enemies, and eventually myself. I felt muted and found it difficult to express myself, it felt like I’d lost my voice. But there was a reasonable explanation to where this catastrophe started.
It was December 2020, I was in Bali and newly wedded. If you think “How can a combination of Bali and newly married can start anything bad?”, you’re absolutely thinking the same thing as I did back then, however, the facts weren’t as pleasing. A lot had happened that year, and I found myself struggling to cope with my own mind. It was either staring at a wall or scrolling endlessly on my phone, I just can’t be there and be present. I knew something was not right, so I tried to find ways to deal with it. This was when I found meditating and journaling helped (I know it sounds so cliche, but more about this on later posts). Through both activities, I slowly grouped the pieces together in my head and consciously worked through them one by one. It was also during this time I decided to withdraw myself from the world. I deleted Instagram and went straight to my man cave.
By March 2021, I was in a much better headspace and getting too comfortable with myself. I thought being more reserved was the way to go and part of adulting, so I continued. Little did I know there was a compounding effect on my ability to express myself, and on the relationships that I abandoned. Two Bali trips and a Delta virus later, I woke up socially crippled. I don’t know who’s who anymore; I’m afraid to share anything online; I simply forgot how to speak for myself. It’s like being in a long sustained injury and I need to learn to walk again.
It’s not a happy ending story yet, I’m just starting my own therapy to find my voice again. I’m sharing this to reach out to people who might be facing similar situations and be an accountability partner for this journey. I’m turning 30 this year, and having a voice is not only important for my own development but also to share what I’ve learned and help others overcome their own challenges.
For starters, I’m trying to post something on a weekly basis on this Medium page. It wouldn’t always be perfect, but I’m training my muscle to overcome that fear of sharing, and putting myself out there again. Do follow this account if you want to walk along, and maybe share some of your personal stories too in the comment section :)
Thank you, and see you next week!
